Home / News & Publications / Michigan Catholic News / 2008 / Parish grief ministries reach out to those in mourning
Parish grief ministries reach out to those in mourning
by Kristin Lukowski of The Michigan Catholic
Published October 31, 2008
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Kristin Lukowski | The Michigan Catholic
Sandy Fisher (left) and Helena Thurber, with pastor Msgr. Patrick Halfpenny, host monthly sessions to help people through their grief as co-leaders of St. Paul on the Lake's bereavement ministry group. Writing letters to those in mourning is one aspect of the group. |
Metro area — Those experiencing grief are often walking through what is the most lonely, painful and confusing times in their lives. Local parishes work to make sure that they don't have to do it alone.
Bereavement ministers, parish nurses and volunteers send out notes, make phone calls, host meetings and otherwise reach out to those who have suffered the loss of a spouse, parent, child or other loved one. The idea is "to walk with someone in their time of grief," said Renee Heileman, RN, parish nurse and Christian service coordinator at St. Martin de Porres Parish, Warren.
"They really appreciate the fact that someone representing the parish cares enough to extend their sympathy to them," she said.
St. Lucy Parish, St. Clair Shores is one parish that has a program for writing letters or notes to those grieving a few times a year. Notes are usually sent out two months after a loved one's death, for the first holiday season, and at the first anniversary of the person's death, explained Sr. Carol Kowalski, OSM, of the parish's Christian service office.
Usually the people to whom they minister have lost a spouse, many times their partner for decades, and the survivor has to face a whole new life ahead of them, Sr. Kowalski explained. "It's probably one of the times of a person's life when they most need support," she said.
Because the parish is such a "close-knit family," she said, people rally around those who need support. "So many people know everyone else, and have been here many, many years," she said.
St. Lucy also has a grief support group that meets monthly, which survivors are made aware of through their support letters.
St. Martin de Porres has a program in which volunteers visit the family at the funeral home or the church as a representative of the parish community as a whole, Heileman said. They offer to help the family in any way that they can, and send out a Mass card, with prayers and poems that deal with grief, about a month after the death.
Bereavement ministers make calls to survivors as necessary, or send notes, depending on how they are dealing with their grief. "Sometimes, people just need to talk about their loss," Heileman said.
Many of St. Martin de Porres' ministers have also experienced the loss of a loved one themselves, Heilman said. The fact that they've lived through the experience and come out the other end is often enough to give reassurance to someone grieving now, she said.
At St. Paul on the Lake, Grosse Pointe Farms, monthly speakers address different aspects of grieving for those suffering a loss. For example, next month the parish will host Fr. Jim Serrick, SJ, on "Our Expectation for Hope and Joy," and in December they are hosting Nancy Piatek, community liaison for Nursing Unlimited, for her presentation of "Dissolving Depression during the Holidays."
Sandy Fisher, who co-leads the parish's bereavement ministry group with Helena Thurber, said the programs are open to all who want to come, no matter their stage of grief or even their religious affiliation. The bereavement group might also go out to lunch or a ballgame, Fisher said, as a way to participate in social activities.
When someone is grieving, there's not a whole lot someone else can do except be a compassionate presence, she said. "The role of a bereavement minister is to walk with people who are grieving — to be a companion to those who have experienced pain or loss," she said.
The parish also sends out monthly letters for the first year after the loss of the loved one, which include a personal note.
St. Andrew Parish, Rochester, has only had a bereavement ministry for three years, but it was the first ministry to come out of a parish assembly, explained bereavement ministry chair Betsy Koerber. Their 20 or so volunteers are trained by professional counselors and attend funerals, send notes and cards, and even visit with a family in mourning if they're interested.
Ministers continue to send notes or call throughout the year, however, because sometimes a person is fine at three months after a death but not so at six, Koerber explained. And at a parish as large as St. Andrew, with more than 4,000 families, "it's easy to be overlooked — and we don't want that to happen," she said.
"The basic premise is to let people know that we are not alone," she said. "We reach out to those people and let them know that we, as a parish community, care about them."
The parish also hosts events throughout the year, including an Evening of Remembrance around Lent; this year, they're also hosting a holiday brunch for grieving families. A handful of parish choir members also make up the Songs of Life Choir, which sing at funerals.
Maureen Duncan, R.N., parish nurse at St. Augustine Parish in Richmond and St. Mary Parish, St. Clair, explained that until recently, St. Augustine offered a grief and loss support group that met two days a month; she hopes it can be reinstated early next year, she said.
Survivors get mailings four times during the year following a death. "Grief doesn't end," she said. "Grief is a journey." Duncan said although she is ministering to those dealing with grief, "they turn around and minister to me." As a parish nurse, she said, she is always looking at the person as a whole, including their spiritual and emotional health. And if someone is physically ill, they can be spiritually ill, also.
Some survivors may be angry with God, and may have a hard time going back to church without their loved ones, Duncan said. The idea of having fellowship groups where all those suffering from loss to get together helps people with the idea that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel of their grief, she explained.
In fact, at Christ the Redeemer Parish, Lake Orion, Christian service coordinator Karen Swietlik said oftentimes, people attending the once- or twice-yearly grief support group meetings the parish organizes, depending on need, want to keep meeting longer. A couple of groups have stayed together after the group officially ended to continue to support each other, she said.
The parish also has Stephen Ministers, those trained to walk with those working through their grief, who call survivors a couple months after the death. The parish also sends out a series of four books over the year following the death, to show that the Church is still thinking about them, she said.
Swietlik, like those at many other parishes around the archdiocese, was preparing for the parish's annual Evening of Remembrance, this year a Mass, for All Souls Day. She also leads the parish's funeral lunch program, so although she's busy, it feels to her like the activity is part of her ministry.
"It's part of the Gospel — to help those who are poor in spirit," she said. "We're called to help people where they're at. People can be really hurting."
St. Mary of the Hills Parish in Rochester Hills has a different kind of bereavement ministry, for which volunteers lead any funeral vigil services before the actual funeral at the church. Mary Andrews, who heads up that ministry, explained that three ministers have been certified as ministers of care, with two more in training.
Priests are often very busy, she said, so the lay people of the parish take on the responsibility to minister to others to help them out. "There's just not enough priests anymore," she said.
The ministers try to make the service as meaningful as possible, including music and a homily.
The parish also sends out letters over the course of the year following a loved one's death.
Andrews, also the chaplain at Sanctuary of Bellbrook Catholic senior community, Rochester Hills, said, "you're helping other people in a terrible, difficult time in their lives."
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